Double Reeds Jokes...

Oboes Jokes...

What good is a burning bassoon?
You can use it to set the oboe on fire.

Q How do you tune four oboes?
A Shoot three of them.

Q What's the difference between an oboe and an onion?
A No one cries when you chop up the oboe.

How do you get an oboist to play A flat?
Take the batteries out of his electric tuner.

Bassoons Jokes...

Why is a bassoon better than an oboe?
The bassoon burns longer.

Q: What is the least heard phrase in music? A: "Would the bassoonist please remove his Ferrari from the driveway as it is blocking the way!"

Q: What's the difference between a bassoon and a trampoline?
A: You take your shoes off before you jump up and down on a trampoline.

Shopping list...

Wow, what a shopping list...

Haydn's Chopin Liszt:

Rossini and cheese
Schumann polish
Bern-n-stein remover
Satie mushrooms
batteries (Purcell)
BeethOVEN cleaner
Hummel microwave meals
orange Schubert
TchaiCOUGHsky drops
marshMahlers
Honey-nut Berlioz
Cui-tips
Chef Boyardee Raveli
sour cream and Ives
Strauss (straws)
chocolate Webers (wafers)
Del Monteverdi corn
Mozart-rella cheese
I Can't Believe it's not Rutter
Bach of serial (opera)
chicken Balakirev
new door Handel
Golden Brahms
Clemen-TEA
Little Debussy snack cakes
Oscar Meyerbeer bologna

Conductor and Clarinet Jokes

At first I wanted to post only clarinet jokes, but find that clarinet jokes are too few and mostly copy cat from other instrument jokes....so, let's add some conductor's ones.....

note: conductors and clarinetists, do not proceed! (Unless you can laugh at yourself...)

Conductor Jokes

What do do with a horn player that can't play?
Give him two sticks, put him in the back, and call him a percussionist.
What do you do if he can't do that?
Take away one of the sticks, put him up front, and call him a conductor.

Did you hear about the planeload of conductors en route to the European Festival?
The good news: it crashed.
The bad news: there were three empty seats on board.

What's the difference between a bull and an orchestra? In an orchestra the horns are in the back and the ass is in the front!

Clarinet Jokes

How many clarinetists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only one, but he'll go through a whole box of bulbs before he finds just the right one.

Q What's the definition of perfect pitch?
A When you toss a clarinet in the toilet and it doesn't hit the sides.

Q Why do clarinettists leave their cases on their dashboards?
A So they can park in the handicapped zones.

"The clarinet is a musical instrument the only thing worse than which is two."

A oboist noticed at the end of each rehearsal break, one of the clarinetists would look at the inside flap of his jacket before he sat down to resume rehearsal. This continued for several years, and the oboist became quite curious about it. One day, during hot weather, the clarinetist took off his jacket and went off on break. The oboist waited until everyone was off the platform, looked around, and sneaked over to the jacket. He pulled back the flap and saw a little note pinned on the inside. It read: "left hand top, right hand bottom."

Check out the video clip!

This guy is beyond cool....



cute right?

Cold cold Jokes....am I in winter season now?

One day, a house caught fire.
Father and mother already ran out from the house, left a son still in that house.
The mother is very worried and shouted
"My son! What are you doing? Why didn't you come out here? Our house on fire!!"
The son said, "Mom, I am wearing socks..."
The mom said, "There is no need to wear socks! It is dangerous in there! Come out quickly!"
After 5 minutes, the son still hasn't came out.
The mom shouted again, "What are you doing? Why are you still inside the house?!"
The son said, "I am taking off my socks....mom"

In a Biology class, the teacher ask
"How do you differentiate 'hands' and 'legs' of the octopus?"
One of the students answered
"Give the octopus a real stinky fart, those who stuckup the nose are 'hands' and the rest will be 'legs', correct?"

A couple of husband and wife are wishing upon a wishing well.
The husband goes first. After wishing, he throw a coin into the well.
His wife wanted to make a wish too. But when she bends down to wish, she accidentally fall into the well, and the husband had a great shock!
And then, the husband says,
"Wow my goodness...this is one true wishing well..."

A person take his first flight on the plane.
He is not use to the plane and he keep vomiting, until the paper bag is not enough.
So the air hostess go and fetch some more paper bags.
When the air hostess return, all passangers are vomitting.
She ask the first timer, what had happened?
He answered,
"When I see the paper bag is almost overflow, I drank back one gulp..."

Teacher: If you are in a public mini bus, and you saw an old lady standing beside you while you are sitting, what should you do?"
Student: I will tell the old lady, 'aunty, you so old d, dun take mini bus to save money....better take taxi, more comfortable and safer...'
Teacher: ... ...

Smart old cock...

There is a farmer wanting to get a young cock, because the cock at home is too old. This will certainly make all the hens at home satisfied.

After the farmer bring back a young handsome cock....

The old cock is worried if this newcomer will take over his place. So, he challenge the newcomer.
"Why not we have a competition? Who can run around faster for ten rounds will win all the hens here. Agree?"
The young cock is very confident with his energy. So, he agrees.

And so they race.
At first, the old cock run with all his might, so he take the lead.
But after 3 or 4 rounds, the old cock run out of energy and now the young cock is catching up with the old one.
All the hens are cheering for the young cock.
Just when the young cock is about to take over.....BANG!! A gun shot. The young cock fall dead.
The farmer is standing by the fence, holding a gun, and he said,
"Shit!! They sold me a gay cock AGAIN!!"

Dialogue after rape...

In a messy little hut, a guy sitting by the bed, smoking. And a girl cry lying on the bed...

Girl: Why do you rape me? You are such a beast!
Guy: Because I am a beast so I rape you la, so stupid question also you can ask me.
Girl: Sob....sob.....Then how about my future?
Guy: How I know, I am just a rapist, not your boyfriend.
Girl: If I pregnant, will you take the responsibility?
Guy: Walau.....do I look like an idiot?
Girl: Woooo.....wooo....wooo......sob....sob....
Guy: Stop crying la, what's the big deal anyway? Ok, ok, how about I come and visit you regularly from now on?
Girl: Really?? Is it true? Will you really? Will you?
Guy: Aiyo....I said I will come means I will come la.
Girl: After raping me, can't you feel guilty at all?
Guy: Haih...since you mention it, I somehow feel a little bit guilty.
Girl: Then....you must make up with me....
Guy: Huh??? How??
Girl: Erm.....why not be my boyfriend?
Guy: *swt*.....(I am already 30 years old, no partner, today I finally have one?)
Girl: Agree?
Guy: Since you said so, and I have no reason to refuse....ok, I agree...
Girl: That's wonderful!
Guy: *swt*

Then the girl kiss the guy. They become a happy couple and live happily ever after.

Before marriage and After marriage...

Sorry folks, soooooo long time never touch my blog at all. I was planning to do more AYC part 3 and 4.... doing AYC blog takes a lot of time so become lazy d.....wehehehehehe.....memang a lot of excuses one la.....(itchy: tau pun!)

Enough of excuses, let's go to the topic.

Before Marriage...

Him: Hurray! This day has finally came! I can't wait!
Her: Can I regret the marriage?
Him: No! Don't you ever think of that!
Her: Do you love me?
Him: Of course!
Her: Will you betray me?
Him: Of course not! What makes you think that way?
Her: Can you give me a kiss?
Him: That's for sure! And it won't be only once!
Her: Will you beat me?
Him: I never will!
Her: Will you give me a promise?

for the After Marriage just read the dialogue from bottom to the top, opposite way.

so is it true? Guys?

Haih, life...

Mandrin version:

ren sheng jiu xiang da bian, yi dan chong zou le, jiu bu hui zai hui lai.
ren sheng jiu xiang da bian, ze me la dou yi yang, ke shi mei ci you bu dai yi yang.
ren sheng jiu xiang da bian, you shi la de hen shuang, you shi la de hen can.
ren sheng jiu xiang da bian, ni yong yuan bu zhi dao, hui la chu she me dong xi.
ren sheng jiu xiang da bian, xiang yao she me jie guo, jiu yao xian ze me zai.
ren sheng jiu xiang da bian, wang wang nu li le ban tian, que zhi you ji ge pi.
ren sheng jiu xiang da bian, bu guan dian zhui de duo piao liang, ben zhi hai shi yi yang.
ren sheng jiu xiang da bian, zhi you zhi ji mo mo de yong gan mian dui.

shuo yi, da jia chang shuo "ni qu chi da bian la!"
qi shi, ben yi shi " ni yao rong ru zhi ji de sheng huo"


English translation:

Life is just like shit, once flush away, it will never come back.
Life is just like shit, no matter how you shit is still the same, but is still not really the same.
Life is just like shit, sometimes shit comfortably, sometimes cirit birit.
Life is just like shit, you will never know, what will you shit.
Life is just like shit, how you want the "fruit", how you must "plant".
Life is just like shit, work hard for the whole day, but only farts coming out.
Life is just like shit, no matter how you decorate it, the original quality is still the same.
Life is just like shit, only yourself must face it with courage.

So, everybody says "You go eat shit la!"
The actual meaning is "you must blend into your life."

This is taken from a news letter... what a "beautifully disgusting" poem....enjoy......