Conductor and Clarinet Jokes

At first I wanted to post only clarinet jokes, but find that clarinet jokes are too few and mostly copy cat from other instrument jokes....so, let's add some conductor's ones.....

note: conductors and clarinetists, do not proceed! (Unless you can laugh at yourself...)

Conductor Jokes

What do do with a horn player that can't play?
Give him two sticks, put him in the back, and call him a percussionist.
What do you do if he can't do that?
Take away one of the sticks, put him up front, and call him a conductor.

Did you hear about the planeload of conductors en route to the European Festival?
The good news: it crashed.
The bad news: there were three empty seats on board.

What's the difference between a bull and an orchestra? In an orchestra the horns are in the back and the ass is in the front!

Clarinet Jokes

How many clarinetists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only one, but he'll go through a whole box of bulbs before he finds just the right one.

Q What's the definition of perfect pitch?
A When you toss a clarinet in the toilet and it doesn't hit the sides.

Q Why do clarinettists leave their cases on their dashboards?
A So they can park in the handicapped zones.

"The clarinet is a musical instrument the only thing worse than which is two."

A oboist noticed at the end of each rehearsal break, one of the clarinetists would look at the inside flap of his jacket before he sat down to resume rehearsal. This continued for several years, and the oboist became quite curious about it. One day, during hot weather, the clarinetist took off his jacket and went off on break. The oboist waited until everyone was off the platform, looked around, and sneaked over to the jacket. He pulled back the flap and saw a little note pinned on the inside. It read: "left hand top, right hand bottom."